I don't know how to sum in up any other way, but it's just not fair! I want to be a blissfully carefree pregnant woman. I want to stroll down the baby aisle just dreaming of the things my new baby might need, and happily anticipate the gender of this child. But that's all been robbed from me. I came so close. Ava came so close. She was almost here. So instead of doing all the fun things pregnant girls do, I just pray everyday that my baby is still alive. It's so awful! How did this happen? How is this my life? It's hard for me to anticipate "when" this baby gets here, it's more like "if" in my head!
Ugh. Those are just my thoughts of today, hopefully tomorrow will be better...
P.S. It's the last day of 2010! My second daughter was born in this year, and I got to see her beautiful face, but I also had to say goodbye. I am almost finished with the first year of "firsts" without her. It's been awful, I don't know how else to say it. I am just ready for a fresh start!
I think that once a baby has belen lost and there is a subsequent pregnancy, we aways thing "if", not "when". I hope that a time comes when you can feel peace and excitement about the new baby and not just fear and anxiety.
ReplyDeleteI have very mixed feelings about the end of 2010. This was the year I met my baby boy and then the year became terrible. But leaving 2010 means leaving the year that I shared with my baby. I hate that I will never live in the same year with him again.
Diana,
ReplyDeleteI really cannot imagine.
I am praying for you!
Love you!
Diana, Even though I am not pregnant again (yet), I have been feeling exactly this way today. I think it was reading something on FB - I had to hide posts from one person because she just gushed and gushed about her pregnancy, even had a weekly "baby's progress" ticker -I couldn't take it. Today, I accidentally stumbled across her new photos, and one had her, her husband, and little boy and the caption was "next year there will be more of us" - I wanted to post so badly, "yeah, that's what I thought." Of course I didn't, but it just made me feel so jealous - of so many things. Of her naive, joyful pregnancy that will, I'm sure, end in a healthy baby girl, just like we both thought. Hope you are doing better today. I am positive this pregnancy of yours will end happily. Even though it's hard, keep the faith!
ReplyDeleteDiana,
ReplyDeleteYou have more people than you know praying with your family for a healthy baby for you to bring home. There will be a BIG celebration after eveyone comes home from the hospital, Until then we pray everyday. Love of Love, Suzie
Its so not fair. We've been dealt the worst hand by far. I don't know if we'll ever have our innocence back, but I think time will heal our pain.
ReplyDeleteDiana, please know that I will commit you and your baby in prayer. My best friend had experienced the same loss and has had 3 beautiful little girls since her loss.
ReplyDeleteAngela