A New Journey Begins...

I wrote this post a few weeks ago, before we "announced" our new pregnancy. I wanted to make sure I wrote down what I was feeling, because it changes so often. So here it goes:

Well, we have embarked on a new direction in our journey! Its a very bittersweet journey to say the least. Yup, you guessed it, we are pregnant with baby #3! We decided to start trying for
another baby as soon as we were physically able to. We knew that there is no emotionally "right" time to do this, because the fear and anxiety will always be there after a loss. I became increasingly frustrated each month that a new pregnancy didn't happen. It felt like I was losing Ava all over again, month after month, after month. And I didn't have many people to share this with. I just wasn't ready to start the "trying" talk with a lot of people. But those few wonderful people who I discussed this with on a regular basis would tell me...it's going to happen at the right time. Oh how I hated those words! But I knew in my heart they were true. God's perfect timing. Afterall, He is the leader of all this. He started this, and only He knows how it will end.







Well, on October 22, 2010, I got a positive pregnancy test after several months of agony. I always wondered how this moment would feel after losing Ava...and it's very hard to describe the emotions that come along with it. As soon as I saw it, my heart started racing. I almost couldn't breathe. I had to look at the test about 100 times before I believed there was even two lines! The first thing I did, was thanked God. He made this happen. And all in perfect time. I think after a few minutes of complete shock, the happiness started to fill me up. I can honestly say, it was the happiest I have been able to feel since 2/26/10. And that was a great feeling. I NEEDED this.



I have decided that I will continue to write about this pregnancy on Ava's blog. Afterall, it might not have happened without the loss of my sweet Ava. I guess we will never know! But most importantly, I want her to always be a part of our life, and this pregnancy will be like no other, and she will a part of this every step of the way.







Now before you even think it....this pregnancy, is in no way, shape or form, replacing my Ava. It is not helping me "get over" my loss. I will NEVER get over it. But I am learning to live with it. It is a part of my life, my story, my family. And it shapes the way I think, I act, and feel every single day. The one thing that this pregnancy has done though, is put some absolute JOY and hope back into my heart. Maybe, just maybe, we will get to bring this baby home!







Well, as soon as I started feeling happy...I became terrified. I think within 24 hours I had myself convinced this was NOT going to end well....that I was going to lose this baby too, somehow, someway. It's a very complicated journey to be on! Then, finally around 6 weeks we got to see our little munchkin's heartbeat on the ultrasound! Talk about sweet relief!! (For the moment) I knew at least we had a fighting chance. Then, back to worry. It's a roller coaster, and my inner thoughts are constantly battling each other between the fear and the hope! I pray that hope and happiness wins!!







Well here I am now, I am writing this on December 13, 2010. I am 11 weeks pregnant. Currently, only a handful of people know about this new baby, but it's getting hard for me to hide it physically. I have a little bump already starting to show but I couldn't be happier. I plan to publish this post on to my blog at the beginning of the new year. I only HOPE that I make it there, and make it there with a healthy new life still thriving inside of me!