Hope.

Today, I am feeling hope. It might be gone tomorrow, in "true pregnancy after loss" style, so I will go ahead and write about it today : )

We had a very uplifting doctor appointment yesterday. It was our first time with the high risk doctor. Yikes! High risk! Scary thought, yet reassuring at the same time. I can't even tell you how comforting it is to know I will be at the doctor just about every two weeks for a few months....then once and twice a week at least during the final trimester. I feel like we are doing every single thing possible to make sure this baby stays safe. It's all we CAN do! Anyhow, back to the appointment. We had a 13 week ultrasound, and of course I was worried sick before we even went into the room. I just can't face another silent and still ultrasound screen. I hope I never have to again. I held my breath as she put the wand on my belly. We had a big screen TV on the wall to see the baby, and all I could think about was, "if this baby is dead too, I'm going to see it's lifeless little body on that huge TV." I said a final silent prayer in my head....and then I heard that wonderful sound! It was the heartbeat galloping away just as it should. I took a sigh of relief. The baby looked great! He/She was waving to us and cooperating with the u/s tech. They did the NT scan (measurements and bloodwork to determine the risk for chromosonal abnormalities). The physical measurements were all in the normal range. Another huge relief. Then, the doctor came in and introduced himself. He had already reviewed my chart, and then looked at the baby's results. He said "well I'm excited!" I never expected him to say that! He sat down with us and I think he could just read my fear. He told me he felt very good about this baby, and our outcome. He was so optimistic and reassuring! Then I felt the tears just pouring out! I didn't even know that was going to happen, but I just couldn't stop! It was such a bittersweet moment! Here I was, completely devastated that we lost my perfectly healthy baby girl for no good reason, and this doctor is telling me that this baby looks great and he thinks everything was going to be fine. He isn't God, he can't tell me that for sure, but I needed to hear it. I NEEDED it!!

So our appointment yesterday has put me in a good mood for now : ) I feel lots of HOPE that this baby just might get to join us at home in June. It might be hard for some of you to understand these feelings, especially if you have never had a loss. I truly hope you never have to live in this fear. To all the pregnant women whose biggest concern is "boy or girl?"...I envy you. I wish I had that complete joy and confidence that everything will be ok. But the truth is, nobody is safe, and I know it all to well. But for now, my focus is HOPE. I HOPE this baby comes home, I hope yours does too. And today I am full of hope! : )