Wow, I can't believe tomorrow will be two whole months since my baby girl came and went. It's amazing to think that I should have a two month old baby right now. If she was anything like her sister, she would be smiling, laughing, and maybe even sleeping through the night : ) I only hope she is having so much more fun in heaven.
This week was much better than the previous week. My mood has been lifted a bit, and I am not feeling the "heavy sorrow" that I did last week. I was discussing this with a couple of my new friends who have also suffered similar losses. There seems to be two kinds of unhappiness that we go through right now. The first is just plain sadness. These feelings kind of always linger, and sometimes you want to just cry because you wish your baby was in your arms. But I usually feel better after a good cry during this time. Then there is also heavy sorrow. This is the pain that I really dislike, and try to avoid. When I am feeling heavy sorry, it's almost as if I am not able to see past tomorrow, and just get so detached from what is going on around me. This is a harder emotion to recover from. For me, sometimes it last for hours, or even days. Anyhow, my point was that this week seemed to be free from the heavy sorrow. Thank goodness. It really feels good to be able to have hope for the future and to be able to look at Ava's picture with a smile instead of tears. I know I will go back and forth between these emotions for a long time, so I really cherish the happy days when they come.
On Saturday Eric, Emma, and I participated in the March of Dimes walk. We felt like it was something good to do to honor Ava. There was a really great turnout of walkers. I hope next year we can have our own team for Ava. Sometimes I like to daydream about how things will be a year from now; but I guess only time will tell. Right now I try to concentrate on just getting through each day instead of worrying about what the future holds.
Today I found myself back in church, and it felt really good. I haven't been for a long time. I don't really know why, really no particular reason. Sometimes I feel like things happen in life as if God is trying to tell us to wake up and pay attention! At least for now that is how I am interpreting it. I have always known I need to be closer to God, and this whole situation certainly has my attention. I am listening...and trying to understand where I am supposed to go from here.
Well tomorrow I have an appointment to get bloodwork done. I talked to my doctor again last week, and she recommended I have a series of tests done to rule out any other potential problems that could have caused Ava's death. Among those, they will test for any clotting disorders, which could have caused lack of blood flow from the umbilical cord to the placenta. They will also screen for any genetic risks I might have passed on. She also let me know that the chromosonal tests that were supposed to be performed on Ava were never sent off. Great. I could be angry, but what's the point? I don't think anything significant would have shown up anyhow. When we did early chromosomal screening during the pregnancy at 12 weeks, everything was in the normal ranges, so most likely everything was fine on that end. I am really not expecting any results to come about from these tests. I really feel in my heart that it was a cord accident. I have researched a lot about this, and have found that cord accidents are most likely to happen during the hours of 2 and 5 am, while sleeping. (Which is when it most likely happened for Ava) I guess this is because mom's blood pressure is lower while sleeping, and could possibly prevent adequate flow to the baby. This makes me never want to sleep again during pregnancy! Geez! I hate that I couldn't help her when she was in trouble. I hate that I didn't know something was wrong. One good thing that has given me comfort though, was that when she was born, the amniotic fluid was clear, signaling that she was never in distress. I can't live with the thought that my baby might have suffered.
Time to go for now. It's a new week! I am hoping for two (relatively) good weeks in a row. Wish me luck!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Rambling Thoughts of Today
Where do I begin? When I started this blog I thought I would write everyday. Sometimes its hard to put the words down when there are so many thoughts floating around.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be "normal" again. I can't do anything without thinking about what has happened, in some way or another. Will this always be on "instant replay" in my head? Everywhere I go, if I see a family with children Emma's age I automatically compare. Do they already have another little one in their arms? Or one on the way? And usually, the answer is yes. I hate that Emma's sister was taken from her. I was so excited that she was going to have a sister. I wanted that for her so badly. Emma is intrigued with babies right now. My heart breaks for her. Whenever I see a newborn baby, my heart just aches. Their tiny little feet, their sweet little faces, UGH why can't Ava be here?? This is so unfair! I was so ready for her. We have a good home, a good family, why did God take her away? Then I have to hear on the news this morning that a 6 month old baby was beaten to death by his 17 year old father. Why didn't God take his life in the womb? Then when someone says "to save her from suffering later" it would actually be true!
This week I have tried so hard to find a "normal" routine for Emma. She deserves it. She doesn't need a depressed mama. We have been out almost everyday so she can play with other children. As strange as it sounds, this has been the hardest step for me. I am ok being around people that I know and trust, because they know my situation. But when I am faced with the unknown, I often wonder how I will handle it. If they ask me how many kids I have, what will I say? If they ask me when we are going to have more, what do I do? If I actually muster up the courage to tell them about Ava, will I completely lose my composure? Or do I even want to mention her? I can only imagine the horror on their face when I tell them what happened. I know that firsthand because I had to tell Emma's very pregnant pediatrician what happened. I think she just about fell out of her chair. I am a complete mess. Things shouldn't be this way. I think way too much.
I went into Ava's room again today. It's becoming a regular occurance, for one reason or another. Her room is becoming a stockpile for "stuff." Mostly things that remind me of her that I don't want to look at right now. It looks like a Babies R Us exploded in there. Typically when I do enter her room, I am not sad. I get really pissed off. Mostly because we have all this STUFF for NOTHING. I think I am going to slowly just empty it out, and put things away. I want the room de-personalized (if that is even a word.) It's Ava's room now, but she is gone. She will never step foot in that room, or sleep in that bed, or wear those clothes. She is gone. Forever. So there is no point in leaving it the way it is. I might as well have a room in my house that is functional; not a forbidden place. I have already decided that next time (and I pray there will be a next time) there will be no baby shower. I will NOT decorate a nursery, or buy any clothes until that child comes home with me. If I am so blessed to give birth to a living, breathing, crying baby, none of that will even matter. I will never be able to have a joyful, carefree pregnancy. But then again, I never really did to begin with, because I was always so worried about having a stillborn child. Hmm.
I need to go to bed now...but probably won't be able to sleep. Story of my life these days!
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be "normal" again. I can't do anything without thinking about what has happened, in some way or another. Will this always be on "instant replay" in my head? Everywhere I go, if I see a family with children Emma's age I automatically compare. Do they already have another little one in their arms? Or one on the way? And usually, the answer is yes. I hate that Emma's sister was taken from her. I was so excited that she was going to have a sister. I wanted that for her so badly. Emma is intrigued with babies right now. My heart breaks for her. Whenever I see a newborn baby, my heart just aches. Their tiny little feet, their sweet little faces, UGH why can't Ava be here?? This is so unfair! I was so ready for her. We have a good home, a good family, why did God take her away? Then I have to hear on the news this morning that a 6 month old baby was beaten to death by his 17 year old father. Why didn't God take his life in the womb? Then when someone says "to save her from suffering later" it would actually be true!
This week I have tried so hard to find a "normal" routine for Emma. She deserves it. She doesn't need a depressed mama. We have been out almost everyday so she can play with other children. As strange as it sounds, this has been the hardest step for me. I am ok being around people that I know and trust, because they know my situation. But when I am faced with the unknown, I often wonder how I will handle it. If they ask me how many kids I have, what will I say? If they ask me when we are going to have more, what do I do? If I actually muster up the courage to tell them about Ava, will I completely lose my composure? Or do I even want to mention her? I can only imagine the horror on their face when I tell them what happened. I know that firsthand because I had to tell Emma's very pregnant pediatrician what happened. I think she just about fell out of her chair. I am a complete mess. Things shouldn't be this way. I think way too much.
I went into Ava's room again today. It's becoming a regular occurance, for one reason or another. Her room is becoming a stockpile for "stuff." Mostly things that remind me of her that I don't want to look at right now. It looks like a Babies R Us exploded in there. Typically when I do enter her room, I am not sad. I get really pissed off. Mostly because we have all this STUFF for NOTHING. I think I am going to slowly just empty it out, and put things away. I want the room de-personalized (if that is even a word.) It's Ava's room now, but she is gone. She will never step foot in that room, or sleep in that bed, or wear those clothes. She is gone. Forever. So there is no point in leaving it the way it is. I might as well have a room in my house that is functional; not a forbidden place. I have already decided that next time (and I pray there will be a next time) there will be no baby shower. I will NOT decorate a nursery, or buy any clothes until that child comes home with me. If I am so blessed to give birth to a living, breathing, crying baby, none of that will even matter. I will never be able to have a joyful, carefree pregnancy. But then again, I never really did to begin with, because I was always so worried about having a stillborn child. Hmm.
I need to go to bed now...but probably won't be able to sleep. Story of my life these days!
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Tough Week
WHEW. It has been a tough week. Extra emotional to say the least! This week we were given the news that our daughter's test results were "normal." I guess that was supposed to be good news, but it's hard to accept. If she was normal, then why did she die? People don't just die for no reason that I am aware of. Maybe I missed something? The doctor says this is good news for next time, that most likely whatever caused her death was a fluke and shouldn't happen again. Well I can say that personally, I will never ever believe that something WON'T happen. Never again. So I will always be afraid. But I will also try to be positive; both of my pregnancies have been healthy, and I (as far as I know) can still have more children. I just pray that God will allow it to happen again. (us having children) BUT it will never bring Ava back. That is the hardest part.
I also had to make an extra trip to the doctor's office again for a checkup, and was emotionally overwhelmed by the time I left the office. I had been back there once since Ava died, so I didn't think it would be so hard. But it was horrible. I was surrounded by glowing pregnant ladies, ultrasound pics, and newborn babies. All of which I really and truly love, but it's so painful right now. Needless to say I left in tears...
Since then, I have had to see my neighbor come home from the hospital with her newborn baby and watch a few others bring healthy babies into this world. And that's just this week!! Please don't get me wrong, I am so happy for them. I would never wish this pain on anybody, I really wouldn't. I just wish I could share their happiness right now. I feel so cheated. She's suposed to be in my arms right now. But Eric and I are left without our daughter and Emma is without her sister.
Everyday I try to find something positive, so I want to end this post that way. I am so thankful for Eric and Emma. They are my life. I am thankful that I was able to bring Emma into this world as a healthy and thriving child. I thank God for that experience and I treasure it now more than ever!! Pregnancy, childbirth, and life itself are truly a miracle!! And I am thankful for those miracles in my own life!!
Hoping for a better week : )
I also had to make an extra trip to the doctor's office again for a checkup, and was emotionally overwhelmed by the time I left the office. I had been back there once since Ava died, so I didn't think it would be so hard. But it was horrible. I was surrounded by glowing pregnant ladies, ultrasound pics, and newborn babies. All of which I really and truly love, but it's so painful right now. Needless to say I left in tears...
Since then, I have had to see my neighbor come home from the hospital with her newborn baby and watch a few others bring healthy babies into this world. And that's just this week!! Please don't get me wrong, I am so happy for them. I would never wish this pain on anybody, I really wouldn't. I just wish I could share their happiness right now. I feel so cheated. She's suposed to be in my arms right now. But Eric and I are left without our daughter and Emma is without her sister.
Everyday I try to find something positive, so I want to end this post that way. I am so thankful for Eric and Emma. They are my life. I am thankful that I was able to bring Emma into this world as a healthy and thriving child. I thank God for that experience and I treasure it now more than ever!! Pregnancy, childbirth, and life itself are truly a miracle!! And I am thankful for those miracles in my own life!!
Hoping for a better week : )
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Dear Ava
Dear Ava,
It's nearly been seven weeks since I held you for the first time and kissed you goodbye. You were so beautiful and perfect, I'm sorry you didn't get to see us. I hope you know how much we love you. I wish you could have met your big sister, Emma. I know the two of you could have been so close.
I had so much planned for you. I was going to be a mom of two girls! We were going to have so much fun. Emma was going to show you all of her things (she is still learning how to share!) and Daddy was going to have two little princesses to please. But for some reason, we can't have that now and we are left wondering why. Why did God take you so soon? I hope you are safe and happy where you are. Please know how much we love you and miss you every single day. I will never stop thinking about you, but I know I will see you again someday.
Love,
Mommy
It's nearly been seven weeks since I held you for the first time and kissed you goodbye. You were so beautiful and perfect, I'm sorry you didn't get to see us. I hope you know how much we love you. I wish you could have met your big sister, Emma. I know the two of you could have been so close.
I had so much planned for you. I was going to be a mom of two girls! We were going to have so much fun. Emma was going to show you all of her things (she is still learning how to share!) and Daddy was going to have two little princesses to please. But for some reason, we can't have that now and we are left wondering why. Why did God take you so soon? I hope you are safe and happy where you are. Please know how much we love you and miss you every single day. I will never stop thinking about you, but I know I will see you again someday.
Love,
Mommy
Ava's Story
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I have created this blog so that everyone can know and love Ava as much as we do. Even though she never took a breath of our air, she will always be our second daughter and will never be forgotten.
Ava's Story:
On June 22, 2009 I found out I was pregnant for the second time. It was a mix of emotions! I was surprised first, but very open to the thought of having another child. We already had one daughter, Emma, who was 17 months old at the time. I love being a mom, so needless to say I was very excited to welcome another to our family. I loved the idea of our children being close in age.
My pregnancy was always normal and healthy. On October 1, 2009 we were elated to learn that we were having ANOTHER girl!! We were so surprised, we thought for sure it would be a boy. We have so much fun with Emma, that we couldn't wait to have double the fun with another girl. Soon after, we decided to name her Ava Marie. The weeks ticked on, and everything was always on schedule. I never missed a doctor appointment, and looked forward to each time I got to have my belly measured and to hear that strong heartbeat. The doctors said each time "she's perfect!"
The holidays came and went, Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then it was the New Year. I knew then that two very big events were coming; Emma would be TWO and soon after, we would make her a big sister. It just couldn't be here soon enough!! Then after I hit the 36 week mark, we started to see the doctor every week. I knew it was getting closer! Emma was born on her due date, right at 40 weeks, so I figured Ava would wait until then as well. But I couldn't help but hope that she would come early. Oh how I wish that would have been the case...
I saw the doctor at 37 weeks. Everything was measuring "right on track" and the heartbeat was "strong". I came back a week later at my 38 week appointment, on a Monday (I was 38 weeks and 3 days) and everything was the same; still right on track. I saw the nurse practicioner this time, and begged her to get the process moving (labor). I explained how I was SO uncomfortable, and just ready for this baby to get here. I also mentioned to her that I have always had a big fear of having a stillborn baby, but she reassured me that there is nothing to worry about. She asked why I had this fear, and if I knew anyone that had a stillborn baby. I told her not personally, but have always been terrified of this happening. She let me know that I would not be given the option to be induced until I was at least 40 weeks because "nature knows best" and she just might not really be ready to be born. That day is permanently engraved in my brain, and it haunts me over and over.
Fast forward 4 days later to Friday, February 26th. Emma and I both slept in later than usual. Emma had trouble sleeping the night before, and that's probably why. So we got up around 9:30. We did our usual morning routine, and went downstairs to eat breakfast. While I was making breakfast, I realized that I had not felt a lot or any movement from Ava. It was not completely unusual, as she usually "woke up" after a good breakfast. So I decided to eat some waffles, and figured I would feel her happily kicking around after I was finished. But I ate, and waited, but still nothing. I still was not worried. I went upstairs to start getting ready for the day, and decided to just go ahead and use my heartrate monitor that I have at home (I bought earlier in the pregnancy because of my fears; I'll write all about that in another post) before we left for the day. I laid on the bed, put the monitor on my belly, and listened. Everything was silent. Normally I am able to instantly pick up the swooshing sounds of the placenta, then the heartbeat, but it was completely silent. So I took my hand und nudged her back to try to get a reaction, and nothing. Somehow, I was not freaked out at this point. Maybe I was just in denial. I just told myself I wasn't using the monitor correctly, even though I have been using if for the past 9 months with no problem. So I decided to go to the dr to get checked out. I called the on call line, and a nurse returned my call. I told her everything, and she didn't seem concerned. She said that normally we should wait a few more hours, that the baby could just be sleeping. (This still boggles my mind) I re-stated that I have a heartrate monitor at home, and couldn't find anything and need to be checked out. So finally she said just come on in just in case. So I immediately put Emma in the car, called Eric and told him I was on the way to get checked out. I prayed to God all the way there that everything was ok, and was sure it would be.
When we got to the hospital, they took us to labor and delivery. They had me put on a gown, and I re-explained everything to the nurse. She had me lay down on the bed, but all she really seemed concerned about was my paperwork. Something was wrong with my paperwork. I'm not sure what, but that was all she could think about. In my head I was screaming "just put the monitor on me and find my baby!" But for some reason, I still wasn't worried. So after about 10 minutes (seemed like an eternity) she FINALLY but the doppler on my belly. Nothing. She asked me which side I could normally find the heartbeat, and I mumbled something, I really have no idea what my response was. Still nothing. She searched and searched and searched. But nothing. At this point, it felt like the walls were starting to close in on me and I couldn't hear anything anyone was saying. I remember asking in desperation "she's gone?" but the nurse wouldn't answer. She called in another nurse to try to find the heartbeat. Nothing. Then they said they were calling the doctor in. I knew that was bad. I just laid there with tears in my eyes praying for a miracle. Then Dr G came in with the ultrasound machine, and zoomed in on her chest cavity. It was completely still. No heartbeat. I said "she's gone." The doctor said "I'm so sorry". Everyone just kept saying "I'm sorry". And that is pretty much the last vivid memory of that morning. Everything else that happened in the next few hours are pretty much a blur.
I know I was induced for labor somewhere around 1 pm. I begged and pleaded for a c-section because I just wanted it over with. The nurses and doctor, and even Eric repeatedly explained that it was not a good idea, because there was too much risk that something could go horribly wrong for me. I really didn't care. Why should I? My baby was gone, I didn't want to wake up tomorrow. How was I supposed to sit here in labor knowing my baby is dead? How? The thought alone was just so cruel.
The next 6-7 hours were a big blur. I don't remember what I did or who was there. I have no idea. The next thing I remember was around 8:00 pm they told me it was time to push. I couldn't believe this was about to happen. But somehow I did it. Then, at 8:26 pm she was born. I will remember that moment forever. The room was dark, except for the light the doctors and nurses were using. She came out, and everything was silent. This was not how things were supposed to happen. The Dr said very quietly "it's a girl" and handed her to the nurses to be cleaned up. I immediately asked the doctor what happened to her. She said the cord was around her neck, but it was loose so they couldn't be sure that it hurt her. The nurses cleaned her up and swaddled her, then handed her to me. She was so perfect. I instantly felt so sad for her because she never had a chance. She was a perfect 6 lbs, 11 oz, and 20 inches long, and she never got to see the world outside of my womb. I knew I loved my child the moment she was conceived, but it was magnified as soon as I saw her. She was real, she was a baby, but she was gone. The pain and emptiness I felt at that moment is indescribable. Eric and I spent several hours that night just holding her and sharing her with our family that was at the hospital. We got to see her perfect 10 fingers and her perfect 10 toes (the ones that had been beating up my ribs for months!) and I am so grateful for that. Then around 1:30 am the next morning we felt it was time to say goodbye. I don't really remember that exact moment when the nurses wheeled my daughter away for the last time, and it's probably best that way. Somehow we made it though that first night at the hospital and went home the next day.
I can't even tell you how painful those first few days were. To leave the hospital without your baby is a feeling nobody should ever face. To come home to a house that was so ready for a baby is terrible. And to live each day feeling like a piece of you is gone is something I would never wish on anyone. Compounding that pain is the physical recovery of childbirth without your child in your arms.
Now it is almost 7 weeks later. I am glad I finally sat down to write all of this out. It feels good to talk about it, and I hope others want to know about Ava. The thought of her never being known is terrifying, because she is my child. She existed, even though some never got to see her outside of my bulging pregnant belly.
We still do not know for sure what happened to our precious daughter. The autopsy results revealed that she was "normal". That is very hard to accept. If she was normal, then why did she die?? We still have lots of questions for lots of doctors, and will keep you updated when/if we find any answers .
Eric, Emma, and I are continuing to live. Some days are better than others. I know that for myself, I have to keep going for them. I refuse to stay in bed and be sad all day, even though sometimes that is how I feel. I can honestly say there hasn't been one waking minute that I haven't thought about Ava. Some of the thoughts are sad, and some are happy. I have been through every emotion in the book, and continue to do so. I have also met a lot of wonderful people in the past few weeks that also share my sorrow of losing a child. I hate that they know my pain, but it is comforting to know I am not alone. We have also had so much love and support from our family and friends. If you are reading this, please know that we would not have gotten this far without all of you.
I will try to keep this blog updated on how I (and we) are doing and if we find any new information. I hope you enjoy reading it : )
Ava's Story:
On June 22, 2009 I found out I was pregnant for the second time. It was a mix of emotions! I was surprised first, but very open to the thought of having another child. We already had one daughter, Emma, who was 17 months old at the time. I love being a mom, so needless to say I was very excited to welcome another to our family. I loved the idea of our children being close in age.
My pregnancy was always normal and healthy. On October 1, 2009 we were elated to learn that we were having ANOTHER girl!! We were so surprised, we thought for sure it would be a boy. We have so much fun with Emma, that we couldn't wait to have double the fun with another girl. Soon after, we decided to name her Ava Marie. The weeks ticked on, and everything was always on schedule. I never missed a doctor appointment, and looked forward to each time I got to have my belly measured and to hear that strong heartbeat. The doctors said each time "she's perfect!"
The holidays came and went, Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then it was the New Year. I knew then that two very big events were coming; Emma would be TWO and soon after, we would make her a big sister. It just couldn't be here soon enough!! Then after I hit the 36 week mark, we started to see the doctor every week. I knew it was getting closer! Emma was born on her due date, right at 40 weeks, so I figured Ava would wait until then as well. But I couldn't help but hope that she would come early. Oh how I wish that would have been the case...
I saw the doctor at 37 weeks. Everything was measuring "right on track" and the heartbeat was "strong". I came back a week later at my 38 week appointment, on a Monday (I was 38 weeks and 3 days) and everything was the same; still right on track. I saw the nurse practicioner this time, and begged her to get the process moving (labor). I explained how I was SO uncomfortable, and just ready for this baby to get here. I also mentioned to her that I have always had a big fear of having a stillborn baby, but she reassured me that there is nothing to worry about. She asked why I had this fear, and if I knew anyone that had a stillborn baby. I told her not personally, but have always been terrified of this happening. She let me know that I would not be given the option to be induced until I was at least 40 weeks because "nature knows best" and she just might not really be ready to be born. That day is permanently engraved in my brain, and it haunts me over and over.
Fast forward 4 days later to Friday, February 26th. Emma and I both slept in later than usual. Emma had trouble sleeping the night before, and that's probably why. So we got up around 9:30. We did our usual morning routine, and went downstairs to eat breakfast. While I was making breakfast, I realized that I had not felt a lot or any movement from Ava. It was not completely unusual, as she usually "woke up" after a good breakfast. So I decided to eat some waffles, and figured I would feel her happily kicking around after I was finished. But I ate, and waited, but still nothing. I still was not worried. I went upstairs to start getting ready for the day, and decided to just go ahead and use my heartrate monitor that I have at home (I bought earlier in the pregnancy because of my fears; I'll write all about that in another post) before we left for the day. I laid on the bed, put the monitor on my belly, and listened. Everything was silent. Normally I am able to instantly pick up the swooshing sounds of the placenta, then the heartbeat, but it was completely silent. So I took my hand und nudged her back to try to get a reaction, and nothing. Somehow, I was not freaked out at this point. Maybe I was just in denial. I just told myself I wasn't using the monitor correctly, even though I have been using if for the past 9 months with no problem. So I decided to go to the dr to get checked out. I called the on call line, and a nurse returned my call. I told her everything, and she didn't seem concerned. She said that normally we should wait a few more hours, that the baby could just be sleeping. (This still boggles my mind) I re-stated that I have a heartrate monitor at home, and couldn't find anything and need to be checked out. So finally she said just come on in just in case. So I immediately put Emma in the car, called Eric and told him I was on the way to get checked out. I prayed to God all the way there that everything was ok, and was sure it would be.
When we got to the hospital, they took us to labor and delivery. They had me put on a gown, and I re-explained everything to the nurse. She had me lay down on the bed, but all she really seemed concerned about was my paperwork. Something was wrong with my paperwork. I'm not sure what, but that was all she could think about. In my head I was screaming "just put the monitor on me and find my baby!" But for some reason, I still wasn't worried. So after about 10 minutes (seemed like an eternity) she FINALLY but the doppler on my belly. Nothing. She asked me which side I could normally find the heartbeat, and I mumbled something, I really have no idea what my response was. Still nothing. She searched and searched and searched. But nothing. At this point, it felt like the walls were starting to close in on me and I couldn't hear anything anyone was saying. I remember asking in desperation "she's gone?" but the nurse wouldn't answer. She called in another nurse to try to find the heartbeat. Nothing. Then they said they were calling the doctor in. I knew that was bad. I just laid there with tears in my eyes praying for a miracle. Then Dr G came in with the ultrasound machine, and zoomed in on her chest cavity. It was completely still. No heartbeat. I said "she's gone." The doctor said "I'm so sorry". Everyone just kept saying "I'm sorry". And that is pretty much the last vivid memory of that morning. Everything else that happened in the next few hours are pretty much a blur.
I know I was induced for labor somewhere around 1 pm. I begged and pleaded for a c-section because I just wanted it over with. The nurses and doctor, and even Eric repeatedly explained that it was not a good idea, because there was too much risk that something could go horribly wrong for me. I really didn't care. Why should I? My baby was gone, I didn't want to wake up tomorrow. How was I supposed to sit here in labor knowing my baby is dead? How? The thought alone was just so cruel.
The next 6-7 hours were a big blur. I don't remember what I did or who was there. I have no idea. The next thing I remember was around 8:00 pm they told me it was time to push. I couldn't believe this was about to happen. But somehow I did it. Then, at 8:26 pm she was born. I will remember that moment forever. The room was dark, except for the light the doctors and nurses were using. She came out, and everything was silent. This was not how things were supposed to happen. The Dr said very quietly "it's a girl" and handed her to the nurses to be cleaned up. I immediately asked the doctor what happened to her. She said the cord was around her neck, but it was loose so they couldn't be sure that it hurt her. The nurses cleaned her up and swaddled her, then handed her to me. She was so perfect. I instantly felt so sad for her because she never had a chance. She was a perfect 6 lbs, 11 oz, and 20 inches long, and she never got to see the world outside of my womb. I knew I loved my child the moment she was conceived, but it was magnified as soon as I saw her. She was real, she was a baby, but she was gone. The pain and emptiness I felt at that moment is indescribable. Eric and I spent several hours that night just holding her and sharing her with our family that was at the hospital. We got to see her perfect 10 fingers and her perfect 10 toes (the ones that had been beating up my ribs for months!) and I am so grateful for that. Then around 1:30 am the next morning we felt it was time to say goodbye. I don't really remember that exact moment when the nurses wheeled my daughter away for the last time, and it's probably best that way. Somehow we made it though that first night at the hospital and went home the next day.
I can't even tell you how painful those first few days were. To leave the hospital without your baby is a feeling nobody should ever face. To come home to a house that was so ready for a baby is terrible. And to live each day feeling like a piece of you is gone is something I would never wish on anyone. Compounding that pain is the physical recovery of childbirth without your child in your arms.
Now it is almost 7 weeks later. I am glad I finally sat down to write all of this out. It feels good to talk about it, and I hope others want to know about Ava. The thought of her never being known is terrifying, because she is my child. She existed, even though some never got to see her outside of my bulging pregnant belly.
We still do not know for sure what happened to our precious daughter. The autopsy results revealed that she was "normal". That is very hard to accept. If she was normal, then why did she die?? We still have lots of questions for lots of doctors, and will keep you updated when/if we find any answers .
Eric, Emma, and I are continuing to live. Some days are better than others. I know that for myself, I have to keep going for them. I refuse to stay in bed and be sad all day, even though sometimes that is how I feel. I can honestly say there hasn't been one waking minute that I haven't thought about Ava. Some of the thoughts are sad, and some are happy. I have been through every emotion in the book, and continue to do so. I have also met a lot of wonderful people in the past few weeks that also share my sorrow of losing a child. I hate that they know my pain, but it is comforting to know I am not alone. We have also had so much love and support from our family and friends. If you are reading this, please know that we would not have gotten this far without all of you.
I will try to keep this blog updated on how I (and we) are doing and if we find any new information. I hope you enjoy reading it : )
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