Tough Week

WHEW. It has been a tough week. Extra emotional to say the least! This week we were given the news that our daughter's test results were "normal." I guess that was supposed to be good news, but it's hard to accept. If she was normal, then why did she die? People don't just die for no reason that I am aware of. Maybe I missed something? The doctor says this is good news for next time, that most likely whatever caused her death was a fluke and shouldn't happen again. Well I can say that personally, I will never ever believe that something WON'T happen. Never again. So I will always be afraid. But I will also try to be positive; both of my pregnancies have been healthy, and I (as far as I know) can still have more children. I just pray that God will allow it to happen again. (us having children) BUT it will never bring Ava back. That is the hardest part.

I also had to make an extra trip to the doctor's office again for a checkup, and was emotionally overwhelmed by the time I left the office. I had been back there once since Ava died, so I didn't think it would be so hard. But it was horrible. I was surrounded by glowing pregnant ladies, ultrasound pics, and newborn babies. All of which I really and truly love, but it's so painful right now. Needless to say I left in tears...

Since then, I have had to see my neighbor come home from the hospital with her newborn baby and watch a few others bring healthy babies into this world. And that's just this week!! Please don't get me wrong, I am so happy for them. I would never wish this pain on anybody, I really wouldn't. I just wish I could share their happiness right now. I feel so cheated. She's suposed to be in my arms right now. But Eric and I are left without our daughter and Emma is without her sister.

Everyday I try to find something positive, so I want to end this post that way. I am so thankful for Eric and Emma. They are my life. I am thankful that I was able to bring Emma into this world as a healthy and thriving child. I thank God for that experience and I treasure it now more than ever!! Pregnancy, childbirth, and life itself are truly a miracle!! And I am thankful for those miracles in my own life!!

Hoping for a better week : )