Rambling Thoughts of Today

Where do I begin? When I started this blog I thought I would write everyday. Sometimes its hard to put the words down when there are so many thoughts floating around.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be "normal" again. I can't do anything without thinking about what has happened, in some way or another. Will this always be on "instant replay" in my head? Everywhere I go, if I see a family with children Emma's age I automatically compare. Do they already have another little one in their arms? Or one on the way? And usually, the answer is yes. I hate that Emma's sister was taken from her. I was so excited that she was going to have a sister. I wanted that for her so badly. Emma is intrigued with babies right now. My heart breaks for her. Whenever I see a newborn baby, my heart just aches. Their tiny little feet, their sweet little faces, UGH why can't Ava be here?? This is so unfair! I was so ready for her. We have a good home, a good family, why did God take her away? Then I have to hear on the news this morning that a 6 month old baby was beaten to death by his 17 year old father. Why didn't God take his life in the womb? Then when someone says "to save her from suffering later" it would actually be true!

This week I have tried so hard to find a "normal" routine for Emma. She deserves it. She doesn't need a depressed mama. We have been out almost everyday so she can play with other children. As strange as it sounds, this has been the hardest step for me. I am ok being around people that I know and trust, because they know my situation. But when I am faced with the unknown, I often wonder how I will handle it. If they ask me how many kids I have, what will I say? If they ask me when we are going to have more, what do I do? If I actually muster up the courage to tell them about Ava, will I completely lose my composure? Or do I even want to mention her? I can only imagine the horror on their face when I tell them what happened. I know that firsthand because I had to tell Emma's very pregnant pediatrician what happened. I think she just about fell out of her chair. I am a complete mess. Things shouldn't be this way. I think way too much.

I went into Ava's room again today. It's becoming a regular occurance, for one reason or another. Her room is becoming a stockpile for "stuff." Mostly things that remind me of her that I don't want to look at right now. It looks like a Babies R Us exploded in there. Typically when I do enter her room, I am not sad. I get really pissed off. Mostly because we have all this STUFF for NOTHING. I think I am going to slowly just empty it out, and put things away. I want the room de-personalized (if that is even a word.) It's Ava's room now, but she is gone. She will never step foot in that room, or sleep in that bed, or wear those clothes. She is gone. Forever. So there is no point in leaving it the way it is. I might as well have a room in my house that is functional; not a forbidden place. I have already decided that next time (and I pray there will be a next time) there will be no baby shower. I will NOT decorate a nursery, or buy any clothes until that child comes home with me. If I am so blessed to give birth to a living, breathing, crying baby, none of that will even matter. I will never be able to have a joyful, carefree pregnancy. But then again, I never really did to begin with, because I was always so worried about having a stillborn child. Hmm.

I need to go to bed now...but probably won't be able to sleep. Story of my life these days!