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I have created this blog so that everyone can know and love Ava as much as we do. Even though she never took a breath of our air, she will always be our second daughter and will never be forgotten.
Ava's Story:
On June 22, 2009 I found out I was pregnant for the second time. It was a mix of emotions! I was surprised first, but very open to the thought of having another child. We already had one daughter, Emma, who was 17 months old at the time. I love being a mom, so needless to say I was very excited to welcome another to our family. I loved the idea of our children being close in age.
My pregnancy was always normal and healthy. On October 1, 2009 we were elated to learn that we were having ANOTHER girl!! We were so surprised, we thought for sure it would be a boy. We have so much fun with Emma, that we couldn't wait to have double the fun with another girl. Soon after, we decided to name her Ava Marie. The weeks ticked on, and everything was always on schedule. I never missed a doctor appointment, and looked forward to each time I got to have my belly measured and to hear that strong heartbeat. The doctors said each time "she's perfect!"
The holidays came and went, Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then it was the New Year. I knew then that two very big events were coming; Emma would be TWO and soon after, we would make her a big sister. It just couldn't be here soon enough!! Then after I hit the 36 week mark, we started to see the doctor every week. I knew it was getting closer! Emma was born on her due date, right at 40 weeks, so I figured Ava would wait until then as well. But I couldn't help but hope that she would come early. Oh how I wish that would have been the case...
I saw the doctor at 37 weeks. Everything was measuring "right on track" and the heartbeat was "strong". I came back a week later at my 38 week appointment, on a Monday (I was 38 weeks and 3 days) and everything was the same; still right on track. I saw the nurse practicioner this time, and begged her to get the process moving (labor). I explained how I was SO uncomfortable, and just ready for this baby to get here. I also mentioned to her that I have always had a big fear of having a stillborn baby, but she reassured me that there is nothing to worry about. She asked why I had this fear, and if I knew anyone that had a stillborn baby. I told her not personally, but have always been terrified of this happening. She let me know that I would not be given the option to be induced until I was at least 40 weeks because "nature knows best" and she just might not really be ready to be born. That day is permanently engraved in my brain, and it haunts me over and over.
Fast forward 4 days later to Friday, February 26th. Emma and I both slept in later than usual. Emma had trouble sleeping the night before, and that's probably why. So we got up around 9:30. We did our usual morning routine, and went downstairs to eat breakfast. While I was making breakfast, I realized that I had not felt a lot or any movement from Ava. It was not completely unusual, as she usually "woke up" after a good breakfast. So I decided to eat some waffles, and figured I would feel her happily kicking around after I was finished. But I ate, and waited, but still nothing. I still was not worried. I went upstairs to start getting ready for the day, and decided to just go ahead and use my heartrate monitor that I have at home (I bought earlier in the pregnancy because of my fears; I'll write all about that in another post) before we left for the day. I laid on the bed, put the monitor on my belly, and listened. Everything was silent. Normally I am able to instantly pick up the swooshing sounds of the placenta, then the heartbeat, but it was completely silent. So I took my hand und nudged her back to try to get a reaction, and nothing. Somehow, I was not freaked out at this point. Maybe I was just in denial. I just told myself I wasn't using the monitor correctly, even though I have been using if for the past 9 months with no problem. So I decided to go to the dr to get checked out. I called the on call line, and a nurse returned my call. I told her everything, and she didn't seem concerned. She said that normally we should wait a few more hours, that the baby could just be sleeping. (This still boggles my mind) I re-stated that I have a heartrate monitor at home, and couldn't find anything and need to be checked out. So finally she said just come on in just in case. So I immediately put Emma in the car, called Eric and told him I was on the way to get checked out. I prayed to God all the way there that everything was ok, and was sure it would be.
When we got to the hospital, they took us to labor and delivery. They had me put on a gown, and I re-explained everything to the nurse. She had me lay down on the bed, but all she really seemed concerned about was my paperwork. Something was wrong with my paperwork. I'm not sure what, but that was all she could think about. In my head I was screaming "just put the monitor on me and find my baby!" But for some reason, I still wasn't worried. So after about 10 minutes (seemed like an eternity) she FINALLY but the doppler on my belly. Nothing. She asked me which side I could normally find the heartbeat, and I mumbled something, I really have no idea what my response was. Still nothing. She searched and searched and searched. But nothing. At this point, it felt like the walls were starting to close in on me and I couldn't hear anything anyone was saying. I remember asking in desperation "she's gone?" but the nurse wouldn't answer. She called in another nurse to try to find the heartbeat. Nothing. Then they said they were calling the doctor in. I knew that was bad. I just laid there with tears in my eyes praying for a miracle. Then Dr G came in with the ultrasound machine, and zoomed in on her chest cavity. It was completely still. No heartbeat. I said "she's gone." The doctor said "I'm so sorry". Everyone just kept saying "I'm sorry". And that is pretty much the last vivid memory of that morning. Everything else that happened in the next few hours are pretty much a blur.
I know I was induced for labor somewhere around 1 pm. I begged and pleaded for a c-section because I just wanted it over with. The nurses and doctor, and even Eric repeatedly explained that it was not a good idea, because there was too much risk that something could go horribly wrong for me. I really didn't care. Why should I? My baby was gone, I didn't want to wake up tomorrow. How was I supposed to sit here in labor knowing my baby is dead? How? The thought alone was just so cruel.
The next 6-7 hours were a big blur. I don't remember what I did or who was there. I have no idea. The next thing I remember was around 8:00 pm they told me it was time to push. I couldn't believe this was about to happen. But somehow I did it. Then, at 8:26 pm she was born. I will remember that moment forever. The room was dark, except for the light the doctors and nurses were using. She came out, and everything was silent. This was not how things were supposed to happen. The Dr said very quietly "it's a girl" and handed her to the nurses to be cleaned up. I immediately asked the doctor what happened to her. She said the cord was around her neck, but it was loose so they couldn't be sure that it hurt her. The nurses cleaned her up and swaddled her, then handed her to me. She was so perfect. I instantly felt so sad for her because she never had a chance. She was a perfect 6 lbs, 11 oz, and 20 inches long, and she never got to see the world outside of my womb. I knew I loved my child the moment she was conceived, but it was magnified as soon as I saw her. She was real, she was a baby, but she was gone. The pain and emptiness I felt at that moment is indescribable. Eric and I spent several hours that night just holding her and sharing her with our family that was at the hospital. We got to see her perfect 10 fingers and her perfect 10 toes (the ones that had been beating up my ribs for months!) and I am so grateful for that. Then around 1:30 am the next morning we felt it was time to say goodbye. I don't really remember that exact moment when the nurses wheeled my daughter away for the last time, and it's probably best that way. Somehow we made it though that first night at the hospital and went home the next day.
I can't even tell you how painful those first few days were. To leave the hospital without your baby is a feeling nobody should ever face. To come home to a house that was so ready for a baby is terrible. And to live each day feeling like a piece of you is gone is something I would never wish on anyone. Compounding that pain is the physical recovery of childbirth without your child in your arms.
Now it is almost 7 weeks later. I am glad I finally sat down to write all of this out. It feels good to talk about it, and I hope others want to know about Ava. The thought of her never being known is terrifying, because she is my child. She existed, even though some never got to see her outside of my bulging pregnant belly.
We still do not know for sure what happened to our precious daughter. The autopsy results revealed that she was "normal". That is very hard to accept. If she was normal, then why did she die?? We still have lots of questions for lots of doctors, and will keep you updated when/if we find any answers .
Eric, Emma, and I are continuing to live. Some days are better than others. I know that for myself, I have to keep going for them. I refuse to stay in bed and be sad all day, even though sometimes that is how I feel. I can honestly say there hasn't been one waking minute that I haven't thought about Ava. Some of the thoughts are sad, and some are happy. I have been through every emotion in the book, and continue to do so. I have also met a lot of wonderful people in the past few weeks that also share my sorrow of losing a child. I hate that they know my pain, but it is comforting to know I am not alone. We have also had so much love and support from our family and friends. If you are reading this, please know that we would not have gotten this far without all of you.
I will try to keep this blog updated on how I (and we) are doing and if we find any new information. I hope you enjoy reading it : )
Ava's Story:
On June 22, 2009 I found out I was pregnant for the second time. It was a mix of emotions! I was surprised first, but very open to the thought of having another child. We already had one daughter, Emma, who was 17 months old at the time. I love being a mom, so needless to say I was very excited to welcome another to our family. I loved the idea of our children being close in age.
My pregnancy was always normal and healthy. On October 1, 2009 we were elated to learn that we were having ANOTHER girl!! We were so surprised, we thought for sure it would be a boy. We have so much fun with Emma, that we couldn't wait to have double the fun with another girl. Soon after, we decided to name her Ava Marie. The weeks ticked on, and everything was always on schedule. I never missed a doctor appointment, and looked forward to each time I got to have my belly measured and to hear that strong heartbeat. The doctors said each time "she's perfect!"
The holidays came and went, Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then it was the New Year. I knew then that two very big events were coming; Emma would be TWO and soon after, we would make her a big sister. It just couldn't be here soon enough!! Then after I hit the 36 week mark, we started to see the doctor every week. I knew it was getting closer! Emma was born on her due date, right at 40 weeks, so I figured Ava would wait until then as well. But I couldn't help but hope that she would come early. Oh how I wish that would have been the case...
I saw the doctor at 37 weeks. Everything was measuring "right on track" and the heartbeat was "strong". I came back a week later at my 38 week appointment, on a Monday (I was 38 weeks and 3 days) and everything was the same; still right on track. I saw the nurse practicioner this time, and begged her to get the process moving (labor). I explained how I was SO uncomfortable, and just ready for this baby to get here. I also mentioned to her that I have always had a big fear of having a stillborn baby, but she reassured me that there is nothing to worry about. She asked why I had this fear, and if I knew anyone that had a stillborn baby. I told her not personally, but have always been terrified of this happening. She let me know that I would not be given the option to be induced until I was at least 40 weeks because "nature knows best" and she just might not really be ready to be born. That day is permanently engraved in my brain, and it haunts me over and over.
Fast forward 4 days later to Friday, February 26th. Emma and I both slept in later than usual. Emma had trouble sleeping the night before, and that's probably why. So we got up around 9:30. We did our usual morning routine, and went downstairs to eat breakfast. While I was making breakfast, I realized that I had not felt a lot or any movement from Ava. It was not completely unusual, as she usually "woke up" after a good breakfast. So I decided to eat some waffles, and figured I would feel her happily kicking around after I was finished. But I ate, and waited, but still nothing. I still was not worried. I went upstairs to start getting ready for the day, and decided to just go ahead and use my heartrate monitor that I have at home (I bought earlier in the pregnancy because of my fears; I'll write all about that in another post) before we left for the day. I laid on the bed, put the monitor on my belly, and listened. Everything was silent. Normally I am able to instantly pick up the swooshing sounds of the placenta, then the heartbeat, but it was completely silent. So I took my hand und nudged her back to try to get a reaction, and nothing. Somehow, I was not freaked out at this point. Maybe I was just in denial. I just told myself I wasn't using the monitor correctly, even though I have been using if for the past 9 months with no problem. So I decided to go to the dr to get checked out. I called the on call line, and a nurse returned my call. I told her everything, and she didn't seem concerned. She said that normally we should wait a few more hours, that the baby could just be sleeping. (This still boggles my mind) I re-stated that I have a heartrate monitor at home, and couldn't find anything and need to be checked out. So finally she said just come on in just in case. So I immediately put Emma in the car, called Eric and told him I was on the way to get checked out. I prayed to God all the way there that everything was ok, and was sure it would be.
When we got to the hospital, they took us to labor and delivery. They had me put on a gown, and I re-explained everything to the nurse. She had me lay down on the bed, but all she really seemed concerned about was my paperwork. Something was wrong with my paperwork. I'm not sure what, but that was all she could think about. In my head I was screaming "just put the monitor on me and find my baby!" But for some reason, I still wasn't worried. So after about 10 minutes (seemed like an eternity) she FINALLY but the doppler on my belly. Nothing. She asked me which side I could normally find the heartbeat, and I mumbled something, I really have no idea what my response was. Still nothing. She searched and searched and searched. But nothing. At this point, it felt like the walls were starting to close in on me and I couldn't hear anything anyone was saying. I remember asking in desperation "she's gone?" but the nurse wouldn't answer. She called in another nurse to try to find the heartbeat. Nothing. Then they said they were calling the doctor in. I knew that was bad. I just laid there with tears in my eyes praying for a miracle. Then Dr G came in with the ultrasound machine, and zoomed in on her chest cavity. It was completely still. No heartbeat. I said "she's gone." The doctor said "I'm so sorry". Everyone just kept saying "I'm sorry". And that is pretty much the last vivid memory of that morning. Everything else that happened in the next few hours are pretty much a blur.
I know I was induced for labor somewhere around 1 pm. I begged and pleaded for a c-section because I just wanted it over with. The nurses and doctor, and even Eric repeatedly explained that it was not a good idea, because there was too much risk that something could go horribly wrong for me. I really didn't care. Why should I? My baby was gone, I didn't want to wake up tomorrow. How was I supposed to sit here in labor knowing my baby is dead? How? The thought alone was just so cruel.
The next 6-7 hours were a big blur. I don't remember what I did or who was there. I have no idea. The next thing I remember was around 8:00 pm they told me it was time to push. I couldn't believe this was about to happen. But somehow I did it. Then, at 8:26 pm she was born. I will remember that moment forever. The room was dark, except for the light the doctors and nurses were using. She came out, and everything was silent. This was not how things were supposed to happen. The Dr said very quietly "it's a girl" and handed her to the nurses to be cleaned up. I immediately asked the doctor what happened to her. She said the cord was around her neck, but it was loose so they couldn't be sure that it hurt her. The nurses cleaned her up and swaddled her, then handed her to me. She was so perfect. I instantly felt so sad for her because she never had a chance. She was a perfect 6 lbs, 11 oz, and 20 inches long, and she never got to see the world outside of my womb. I knew I loved my child the moment she was conceived, but it was magnified as soon as I saw her. She was real, she was a baby, but she was gone. The pain and emptiness I felt at that moment is indescribable. Eric and I spent several hours that night just holding her and sharing her with our family that was at the hospital. We got to see her perfect 10 fingers and her perfect 10 toes (the ones that had been beating up my ribs for months!) and I am so grateful for that. Then around 1:30 am the next morning we felt it was time to say goodbye. I don't really remember that exact moment when the nurses wheeled my daughter away for the last time, and it's probably best that way. Somehow we made it though that first night at the hospital and went home the next day.
I can't even tell you how painful those first few days were. To leave the hospital without your baby is a feeling nobody should ever face. To come home to a house that was so ready for a baby is terrible. And to live each day feeling like a piece of you is gone is something I would never wish on anyone. Compounding that pain is the physical recovery of childbirth without your child in your arms.
Now it is almost 7 weeks later. I am glad I finally sat down to write all of this out. It feels good to talk about it, and I hope others want to know about Ava. The thought of her never being known is terrifying, because she is my child. She existed, even though some never got to see her outside of my bulging pregnant belly.
We still do not know for sure what happened to our precious daughter. The autopsy results revealed that she was "normal". That is very hard to accept. If she was normal, then why did she die?? We still have lots of questions for lots of doctors, and will keep you updated when/if we find any answers .
Eric, Emma, and I are continuing to live. Some days are better than others. I know that for myself, I have to keep going for them. I refuse to stay in bed and be sad all day, even though sometimes that is how I feel. I can honestly say there hasn't been one waking minute that I haven't thought about Ava. Some of the thoughts are sad, and some are happy. I have been through every emotion in the book, and continue to do so. I have also met a lot of wonderful people in the past few weeks that also share my sorrow of losing a child. I hate that they know my pain, but it is comforting to know I am not alone. We have also had so much love and support from our family and friends. If you are reading this, please know that we would not have gotten this far without all of you.
I will try to keep this blog updated on how I (and we) are doing and if we find any new information. I hope you enjoy reading it : )
DIana, She is so beautiful! Thank you for sharing, we are here thinking and praying for you guys.
ReplyDeleteI could not read this without tears. Ava is, and always will be, precious to us.
ReplyDeleteDiana... I am so sorry for your pain. Many years ago I felt the same grief when I lost my child. I named her Love Miracle. All my sorrows and pain were difficult to share with others.In those times, I kept much of my grief to myself. While reading your blog, I felt connected with you...feeling the same fears, sorrows, and pain. There were frigtening moments and lingering questions that were left unanswered for me in those years-- what happened? what went wrong? Thank you for sharing your thoughts openly. "Ava" will always be in my heart. I keep you in my prayers and so with your family. I am always here if you would like to talk....Star
ReplyDeleteShe is beautiful. I will be praying for your family. My best friend since childhood had to suffer the same loss. She has had 3 beautiful girls since then. Thank you for sharing your story.
ReplyDelete