Wow, I can't believe tomorrow will be two whole months since my baby girl came and went. It's amazing to think that I should have a two month old baby right now. If she was anything like her sister, she would be smiling, laughing, and maybe even sleeping through the night : ) I only hope she is having so much more fun in heaven.
This week was much better than the previous week. My mood has been lifted a bit, and I am not feeling the "heavy sorrow" that I did last week. I was discussing this with a couple of my new friends who have also suffered similar losses. There seems to be two kinds of unhappiness that we go through right now. The first is just plain sadness. These feelings kind of always linger, and sometimes you want to just cry because you wish your baby was in your arms. But I usually feel better after a good cry during this time. Then there is also heavy sorrow. This is the pain that I really dislike, and try to avoid. When I am feeling heavy sorry, it's almost as if I am not able to see past tomorrow, and just get so detached from what is going on around me. This is a harder emotion to recover from. For me, sometimes it last for hours, or even days. Anyhow, my point was that this week seemed to be free from the heavy sorrow. Thank goodness. It really feels good to be able to have hope for the future and to be able to look at Ava's picture with a smile instead of tears. I know I will go back and forth between these emotions for a long time, so I really cherish the happy days when they come.
On Saturday Eric, Emma, and I participated in the March of Dimes walk. We felt like it was something good to do to honor Ava. There was a really great turnout of walkers. I hope next year we can have our own team for Ava. Sometimes I like to daydream about how things will be a year from now; but I guess only time will tell. Right now I try to concentrate on just getting through each day instead of worrying about what the future holds.
Today I found myself back in church, and it felt really good. I haven't been for a long time. I don't really know why, really no particular reason. Sometimes I feel like things happen in life as if God is trying to tell us to wake up and pay attention! At least for now that is how I am interpreting it. I have always known I need to be closer to God, and this whole situation certainly has my attention. I am listening...and trying to understand where I am supposed to go from here.
Well tomorrow I have an appointment to get bloodwork done. I talked to my doctor again last week, and she recommended I have a series of tests done to rule out any other potential problems that could have caused Ava's death. Among those, they will test for any clotting disorders, which could have caused lack of blood flow from the umbilical cord to the placenta. They will also screen for any genetic risks I might have passed on. She also let me know that the chromosonal tests that were supposed to be performed on Ava were never sent off. Great. I could be angry, but what's the point? I don't think anything significant would have shown up anyhow. When we did early chromosomal screening during the pregnancy at 12 weeks, everything was in the normal ranges, so most likely everything was fine on that end. I am really not expecting any results to come about from these tests. I really feel in my heart that it was a cord accident. I have researched a lot about this, and have found that cord accidents are most likely to happen during the hours of 2 and 5 am, while sleeping. (Which is when it most likely happened for Ava) I guess this is because mom's blood pressure is lower while sleeping, and could possibly prevent adequate flow to the baby. This makes me never want to sleep again during pregnancy! Geez! I hate that I couldn't help her when she was in trouble. I hate that I didn't know something was wrong. One good thing that has given me comfort though, was that when she was born, the amniotic fluid was clear, signaling that she was never in distress. I can't live with the thought that my baby might have suffered.
Time to go for now. It's a new week! I am hoping for two (relatively) good weeks in a row. Wish me luck!
I hate that helpless feeling. Like there should have been some way we could have known or something we could have done differently. I think about that all the time. I hope you know you are an awesome mother and there isn't anything you wouldn't have done for Ava. She and Emma are blessed to have you as a mom. HUGS via web. (-:
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I just got caught up on reading your blog and thanks so much for sharing. I wish I could have accompanied you to your doctors followups so you wouldn't have to go it alone. I am also very surprised at all the nurse's responses...I am pretty sure you still have a heartbeat while you are sleeping! I wonder how some pass their boards... Anyways keep blogging and please don't be shy if you want company, just ask.
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