I noticed it has been several weeks since I made a new post here. I guess the reason is that I just feel like I have nothing new to say. My daughter is still gone, and it still hurts. I will never get her back and my life has been forever changed. A piece of my soul left with her, I really think that. Because I don't think I will ever be the same. When a mom loses a child, it's an indescribable feeling. Others may be able to move forward in their lives, but I am always missing someone. Sometimes I just feel like I am in a fog; just stuck standing still while the world zooms on around me. Although I keep moving, and doing my daily life, it seems as though I just can't get Ava off my mind.
Yesterday I received the retouched hospital pictures of my sweet little girl. It was kind of weird, because when I saw them I was SO happy to see her little face again, just the way I remember her. I just wanted to show them off to everyone, but then I have to stop and remind myself...she's gone. Not many people want to ooh and ah over pictures like that. It's too sad for them I guess, or it freaks them out. And I hate that! She looks JUST LIKE Emma did when she was born. It is truly amazing. And it's even more amazing that I didn't realize it until now. But seeing those pictures was like seeing her again. I'll take any bit of joy I can these days!! It kills me. I won't be able to watch Emma and Ava grow up together. Never. Emma will never hold Ava and kiss her on the forehead. Or help change her diaper. Or go to school with her. Or do any of the things that sisters do.
I'm trying so hard to be "normal" again. But I think Eric and I have come to the conclusion that the normal we knew before will never come back. This huge bump in our road of life will always be there, and somehow we will have to just have to learn to incorporate Ava into our lives in other ways.
I've been meaning to pick out a headstone for Ava's grave. What an awful task. I want it to be just right, but I can't even picture what that is. Maybe I am still in shock or denial that I am even having to do such a thing. I don't know.
Since Emma and Ava are so much alike physically, I looked at Emma's baby book yesterday. I turned to the 3 month page to see what she was doing. She weighed 12 pounds! She was starting to halfway rollover, and laughed at the ceiling fan for the first time! I can't help but think Ava would be doing these things too. I guess that is the only way I can keep Ava alive in my heart; to imagine how she would be right now. Sounds crazy, I know.
Well time to go for now. Writing this has brought some tears to my eyes, but it always feels better to just cry sometimes.
tears are liquid love sweetie, what other affection can you give to Ava from all the way down here?? It is so hard to imagine we WONT go back to normal, and even though i know its impossible its the damn triggers that hold us back. I even forget sometimes and try to do something I normally would, and the joy is just gone, the experience isnt the same and im left with the reminder that its just not the same anymore....thinking of you...xoxo
ReplyDeleteI hate this "new normal" that we are forced to learn. You will always miss Ava and a part of you will always be missing. It shouldn't have to be that way. I'm glad you have those pictures. I can never stop looking at Alexandra's. :) ((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteThis made me cry :-(
ReplyDeleteI often look at my Ava's pictures too to see what Jacob might look like and be doing at this point. All of our lives will always be missing something, but you can always keep Ava alive in your heart. You won't ever let her be forgotten.
ReplyDeleteI love you girl. You are always in my thougths and prayers.
ReplyDeleteSending hugs your way!!! This made me cry too. Sometimes it helps to cry though. Love you!!
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