Flashbacks

I haven't written on here in a few weeks, and sometimes its just because I have nothing new to say that hasn't already been written. But tonight I felt the urge to just write something, anything. So today I was at my doctor's office for a regular checkup. I purposely go to a different office (but same doctor) to try to avoid any painful flashbacks that would cause me to leave the office crying. I felt great when I got there; I was having a great day. When the nurse called me back to do my vitals, a very pregnant woman followed behind and sat across from me. Sometimes, I have a hard time still seeing these women, and that's only because I am just so sad for myself. Anyhow, I overheard her saying to the nurse that she was 38 weeks and 4 days along. Ah. I immediately just felt such jealousy, because I lost Ava at 38 weeks, 6 days. I remember being in her shoes just days before, so giddy and excited that my baby girl would be here anyday. Little did I know that 2 days later the rug would be ripped from beneath me and out of nowhere, my world would come crashing before my eyes. Anyhow, I watched her walk back to the exam room with the nurse, and they shut the door. Then, all I could hear was that baby's heartbeat. It was radiating through that entire office, at least it seemed to me. Like it was right in my face, just torturing me. What I wouldn't give to hear Ava's heartbeat just one more time!! Then all of the painful memories came flashing back to my mind. That moment the nurse couldn't find her heartbeat. And when the ultrasound showed a completely lifeless baby on the screen. Then having to see my sweet child for the first time, but in complete silence because her life was already over. Needless to say, I left in tears, but that's to be expected. This journey is a tough one, but I will get through it as best I can. Just another day in the life of me...